Hostel Collapses!

30/01/2010 The Windy Hostel, Indian Institute of Consultancy, Delhi: At 11.05 a.m. today morning a horrifying accident occurred because of gross negligence by engineers at Windy Hostel, IICd. The hostel had been undergoing renovation for over a year and work had recently started on a new block today. Students were still residing in the 4-story hostel on the top 2 floors while the bottom floors had been vacated.

In order to complete his work on time, the contractor had allegedly told the workers to demolish the lower portion of the building and start renovation work on it, without considering whether the already considerably weakened, 40 year old structure could take the weight. The inevitable occurred, with the top two floors crashing down and burying and damaging many laptops.

In the words of one of the surviving students (who has requested to remain unnamed) "They were destroying the doors beneath our room and the balcony start moving wildly, deflecting as much as 1 cm. We ran to stop them, but the [expletive deleted] workers refused to budge."

The maintenance secretary of the hostel was allegedly gallivanting somewhere in East Delhi during the incident, meeting some foreigner. On being contacted he replied that he had an urgent meeting with someone he could not name — a fact that has been noted by the investigating authorities who have taken him into custody. We managed to get a statement from the Chief Investigator, Mr. M. Adi "We have not ruled out the involvement of the maintenance secretary, and are also considering the foreign angle", obliquely referring to the recent statement by the President of United States of Pakerica, Mr. Obama Bin Bush.

Being a holiday, most of the students were sitting in their rooms during the accident, apparently trying to block their internet access so as to be able to prepare for their upcoming examinations. A quote by one of the IICians from our archives: "Our professors believe that we can obtain everything we need to learn by surfing the internet — in fact they maintain a check to see that all students download at least 100MB of data every day to ensure they are spending enough time on the internet. We have learnt a lot but it becomes difficult to adhere to this rule during our minor exams so trying to outsmart our professors and blocking our internet access is a favourite pass-time for IICians during the exam season."

Most of the students were taken by surprise as the building came crashing down on them, and more than 50 laptops have been reported missing and are assumed to still be buried under the rubble, while 10 damaged (2 critically) laptops have been recovered. One or 2 lucky laptops survived on their battery life and were discovered as they were playing heavy rock and could be heard through the concrete. Worried students at IIC have kept a candle light vigil outside the laptop repair shop, with the very best technicians of the top laptop manufacturers including Nosy Baio, Sell and Compact working tirelessly to save the laptops. More technicians are expected to arrive from around the world soon. Excavation work to locate the remaining laptops is also underway.

Many IICians are still in shock, with many roaming around in a daze. A particularly sad case is that of a few students, who, being deprived of access to their laptops and the Facebook live feed appear to have devolved to animals — with one imitating a bull, another squealing in French like a pig and the worst affected keeps trying to fly off the top of the hostel and is constantly restrained by his friends. It is currently not clear whether he has delusions about being a bird or being the Man of Steel (both being able to fly).

What has made this accident even more unique is the fact that there have been various reports of the accident being a complete fabrication and fallacy as people have allegedly communicated with the missing residents of the hostel (using their own laptops). In the public interest, we reiterate that the accident has happened and any such rumours must be disregarded as utter nonsense.

There have been suspicions of paranormal activity at the site of the accident because of these apparent messages and the top investigative news channel in India — IndiaTV — has sent its best reporter to find out the truth. The initial findings of the reporter will be presented on tomorrow's primetime show at 8 p.m. — "IIC ke khooni engineer". Insiders (who wish to remain unnamed) have said that such a tragic parting of nerds with their computers can cause their ghosts to linger on till they manage to complete their last wish: to update their status messages. Only then will they be able to pass on to the afterlife. As always, there are many skeptics who have denounced this theory, claiming that the ghosts need to play one last LAN game of AoE.

In a surprise turn of events, famed teen impersonator and actor Aamir K. and ex-IICian and MBA B. Chetan came together in support of the missing laptops. They said that they has put aside all differences to be able to garner even more publicity for their film/book as people had stopped discussing their recent disagreements.

This post contains a lot of inside jokes, and they are meant to remain as such. Do not ask for explanations.