#+TITLE: Hostel Collapses!

30/01/2010 The Windy Hostel, Indian Institute of Consultancy, Delhi:
At 11.05 a.m. today morning a horrifying accident occurred because of
gross negligence by engineers at Windy Hostel, IICd. The hostel had
been undergoing renovation for over a year and work had recently
started on a new block today. Students were still residing in the
4-story hostel on the top 2 floors while the bottom floors had been
vacated.

In order to complete his work on time, the contractor had allegedly
told the workers to demolish the lower portion of the building and
start renovation work on it, without considering whether the already
considerably weakened, 40 year old structure could take the
weight. The inevitable occurred, with the top two floors crashing down
and burying and damaging many laptops.

In the words of one of the surviving students (who has requested to
remain unnamed) "They were destroying the doors beneath our room and
the balcony start moving wildly, deflecting as much as 1 cm. We ran to
stop them, but the [expletive deleted] workers refused to budge."

The maintenance secretary of the hostel was allegedly gallivanting
somewhere in East Delhi during the incident, meeting some
foreigner. On being contacted he replied that he had an urgent meeting
with someone he could not name — a fact that has been noted by the
investigating authorities who have taken him into custody. We managed
to get a statement from the Chief Investigator, Mr. M. Adi "We have
not ruled out the involvement of the maintenance secretary, and are
also considering the foreign angle", obliquely referring to the recent
statement by the President of United States of Pakerica, Mr. Obama Bin
Bush.

Being a holiday, most of the students were sitting in their rooms
during the accident, apparently trying to block their internet access
so as to be able to prepare for their upcoming examinations. A quote
by one of the IICians from our archives: "Our professors believe that
we can obtain everything we need to learn by surfing the internet —
in fact they maintain a check to see that all students download at
least 100MB of data every day to ensure they are spending enough time
on the internet. We have learnt a lot but it becomes difficult to
adhere to this rule during our minor exams so trying to outsmart our
professors and blocking our internet access is a favourite pass-time
for IICians during the exam season."

Most of the students were taken by surprise as the building came
crashing down on them, and more than 50 laptops have been reported
missing and are assumed to still be buried under the rubble, while 10
damaged (2 critically) laptops have been recovered. One or 2 lucky
laptops survived on their battery life and were discovered as they
were playing heavy rock and could be heard through the
concrete. Worried students at IIC have kept a candle light vigil
outside the laptop repair shop, with the very best technicians of the
top laptop manufacturers including Nosy Baio, Sell and Compact working
tirelessly to save the laptops. More technicians are expected to
arrive from around the world soon. Excavation work to locate the
remaining laptops is also underway.

Many IICians are still in shock, with many roaming around in a daze. A
particularly sad case is that of a few students, who, being deprived
of access to their laptops and the Facebook live feed appear to have
devolved to animals — with one imitating a bull, another squealing in
French like a pig and the worst affected keeps trying to fly off the
top of the hostel and is constantly restrained by his friends. It is
currently not clear whether he has delusions about being a bird or
being the Man of Steel (both being able to fly).

What has made this accident even more unique is the fact that there
have been various reports of the accident being a complete fabrication
and fallacy as people have allegedly communicated with the missing
residents of the hostel (using their own laptops). In the public
interest, we reiterate that the accident has happened and any such
rumours must be disregarded as utter nonsense.

There have been suspicions of paranormal activity at the site of the
accident because of these apparent messages and the top investigative
news channel in India — IndiaTV — has sent its best reporter to find
out the truth. The initial findings of the reporter will be presented
on tomorrow's primetime show at 8 p.m. — "IIC ke khooni
engineer". Insiders (who wish to remain unnamed) have said that such a
tragic parting of nerds with their computers can cause their ghosts to
linger on till they manage to complete their last wish: to update
their status messages. Only then will they be able to pass on to the
afterlife. As always, there are many skeptics who have denounced this
theory, claiming that the ghosts need to play one last LAN game of
AoE.

In a surprise turn of events, famed teen impersonator and actor Aamir
K. and ex-IICian and MBA B. Chetan came together in support of the
missing laptops. They said that they has put aside all differences to
be able to garner even more publicity for their film/book as people
had stopped discussing their recent disagreements.

This post contains a lot of inside jokes, and they are meant to remain
as such. Do not ask for explanations.